We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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