i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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