i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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