She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
