you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
