I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
