Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
