i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
