Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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