just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
