i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
