The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
