i think i have two assholes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
