Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
