worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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