I heard we made out
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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