Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
