meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
