someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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