plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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