Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
