If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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