...so i touched it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who did Billy Mays play for?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
