Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
