someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
