Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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