cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
