Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
