One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
