Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
