this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Everclear isn't food dammit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
