So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
