i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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