did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
