we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
