he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
