Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
