We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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