Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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