i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
