Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
