I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
