Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
