chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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