Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
