Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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