you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
