i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
