We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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