New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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