you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
