Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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